Helping a loved one with addiction recovery is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to do.
You want to help. You want to say the right things. But sometimes you can’t seem to find the right words when your loved one is struggling.
And honestly… that’s okay.
There’s no training manual for this situation.
But there is one thing we do know…
The right words at the right time can make a big difference. Quality support can help your loved one stick to their recovery program and keep moving forward.
And it starts with knowing how to communicate in healing ways instead of hurtful ways.
In this post:
- The Impact Your Words Can Have on Someone in Recovery
- Helpful Things to Say (And Hurtful Things to Avoid)
- Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Long-Term Recovery Support
- When Your Loved One Needs Professional Intervention
The Impact Your Words Can Have on Someone in Recovery
It’s true what they say…
Words are powerful.
Addiction recovery can be an extremely vulnerable time for the person you care about. Their world is falling apart. They’re asking themselves big questions about who they are and where they go from here.
They need the people around them the most.
But those people can either push them towards success or drag them back down.
Studies from SAMHSA on support for loved ones with substance use disorders show that having family and social support improves the outcome of a person’s treatment.
It can make the difference between staying clean long-term or relapsing again.
Imagine your loved one as a builder.
They’re working hard to rebuild their life from the ground up.
Every word you say is either another brick in their foundation or a crack in that foundation.
Your loved one is not perfect. They won’t respond the way you want to them all of the time.
But you can at least show up and use the right words to make them feel understood, accepted, and ready to fight for their recovery.
That’s why a quality recovery center often includes family members in treatment education. They understand how much the words and actions of the people around a patient matter.
Helpful Things to Say (And Hurtful Things to Avoid)
It’s time to be practical.
Here are words and phrases that you can actually say to someone in the process of recovery.
Things to Say That Heal:
- “I’m proud of you for getting help.”
- “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
- “How can I support you today?”
- “Your progress matters to me.”
- “I believe in your ability to recover.”
Did you notice how these phrases work?
First, they separate the person you love from their addiction. The addiction is not them. The past is not them. The choices they made aren’t them.
These affirmations also focus on the effort they’re putting in right now rather than all the things they screwed up in the past.
Pretty simple, right?
But not so fast…
Things to Say that Hurt:
- “Why can’t you just stop?”
- “You’re ruining this family.”
- “I don’t trust you anymore.”
- “You did this to yourself.”
- “Remember when you…” (past failures)
These all sound familiar.
They’re phrases that you might be tempted to say because you’re in pain.
And that pain you feel? It’s valid.
But shaming your loved one creates a cycle of shame in the person suffering from substance use disorder. And shame is one of the leading reasons people relapse and return to addiction.
Hopelessness is one of the worst things you can instill in someone who’s just taking their first steps in recovery.
The difference between the loving phrases and the hurtful phrases all comes down to this…
Talk about today. And tomorrow. Don’t bring up yesterday.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Loving someone doesn’t mean you don’t have limits.
This is a challenge many spouses, parents, and family members of substance use disorder face. They want to help so much that they inadvertently end up enabling their loved one’s bad behavior.
Let’s talk about setting healthy boundaries for a moment.
Here are some guidelines to follow when you’re thinking about what to say and what to do in a boundary situation:
- Be clear and specific. Don’t say “I need you to be better.” Instead, try, “I can’t have drugs or alcohol in our home.”
- Stick to consequences. If you set a boundary and someone crosses it, follow through with the predetermined consequences. Empty threats erode trust for both of you.
- Support doesn’t mean enable. Offering encouragement and help is support. Giving money without accountability is usually enablement.
- Take care of yourself. Don’t give more than you can spare. If supporting your loved one means your own life falls apart, you’re not being helpful to anyone.
Boundaries are not cruel.
Boundaries are one of the most loving things you can do for your loved one.
Boundaries let them know that their behavior has consequences.
Structure and accountability are things that help most substance use disorder patients build a life in long-term recovery.
Speaking of long-term recovery…
Long-Term Recovery Support
Addiction recovery is a journey.
A very long journey.
A 2024 report from the Recovery Research Institute found that 29.3 million adults in the U.S. have already resolved a substantial problem with alcohol or drugs.
29.3 million.
Millions of people have already won the fight against substance use disorder.
But long-term recovery isn’t a “done” event.
It’s a choice made each and every day.
And it takes love and support from family and friends to help keep your loved one making that choice.
Here’s how to give long-term support:
- Stay educated on addiction as a chronic illness. The more you know, the easier it will be to understand and be compassionate rather than react with frustration and anger.
- Celebrate the milestones. One week is a big deal. One month is a big deal. One year is a big deal. Acknowledge these successes.
- Notice the signs of relapse before they become big problems. Watch for isolation, mood swings, and old friends who might pull your loved one back into addiction.
- Keep the lines of communication open. Regular check-ins show your support and interest without being overbearing. Ask questions about how they’re doing and listen.
- Be patient with the process. Relapses happen. Slips happen. It’s not the end of the world. It’s a signal to adjust the treatment plan.
The best families to walk this journey know one important secret…
You can’t fix your loved one. You can only walk alongside them as they do the difficult work of healing themselves.
When Your Loved One Needs Professional Help
Sometimes love and support from family members just isn’t enough.
And that’s okay.
Professional addiction treatment programs exist for a reason. Substance use disorders are complex mental health conditions. Support from the family does work best when paired with evidence-based treatment from professional practitioners.
Signs your loved one may need professional help include:
- Multiple failed attempts to get and stay clean
- Presence of co-occurring mental health disorders
- Presence of dangerous withdrawal symptoms
- Denial of the problem
- Continued escalation in use
If you’re noticing any of the above signs in your loved one, then it’s time to consider professional help.
Inpatient and outpatient addiction recovery centers often have family programs that can show you the right ways to communicate and support your loved one.
Getting professional help isn’t a failure. It’s getting the specialized support they need to win their battle against addiction.
Wrapping Things Up
Addiction recovery is hard on the people who love the person going through the process.
You can only show up and do your best.
Sometimes your best will be amazing and filled with unconditional love.
And sometimes your best will be ugly crying and not knowing what to do.
But at least you’ll have the right words.
Words that can keep your loved one from giving up on their own life.
Here’s a recap:
- Use words that separate your loved one from their addiction
- Talk about today and tomorrow rather than yesterday
- Set healthy boundaries and be willing to enforce them
- Give long-term support
- Know when to seek professional help
Addiction recovery is possible.
It happens every day to millions of people.
And with the support of you and the right words, your loved one can do it too.